my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
