He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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