I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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