he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
