Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
