I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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