Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
