You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
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There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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