Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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