I think I died a long time ago.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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