2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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