Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
