shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
