Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
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thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
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An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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