i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
