Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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