i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
