So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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