i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
