8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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