Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You can't motorboat a personality
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
