Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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