Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
