I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
