I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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