I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
