Can Purell be used as lube?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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