i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I didn't notice because vodka
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
