I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
