he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
