cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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