She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
