My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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