you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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