My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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