Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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