I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.