I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"