apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
