i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
love makes seman taste better
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
