she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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