I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
