it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
