Who wears a wallet chain?!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
