I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
