Your face is a jimmy john
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
