I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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