also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
