I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
