FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
