all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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