We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
