Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
