i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
