so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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