ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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