you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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