i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
there is glitter all over my balls
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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