just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize