went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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